Question: Is it wrong to care about physical attractiveness?
It has been posited that in this world there is about 10% of the population that, no matter whom you asked, would be described as good looking. They have objective beauty. There is a corresponding 10% on the other end of the scale who most all would describe as unattractive. That has nothing to do with inner beauty, just regular, outward features. The remaining 80% are attractive or not based on one’s personal preference.
I count myself as a member of the 10%. Which one is none of your business.
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” (Proverbs 31:30 NIV)
I’ve had many a discussion with Christian women about how shallow men are. All they care about, they say, is physical beauty. They, on the other hand, being far more pious, are concerned with character, intellect, spirituality and the more godly traits. . . And then I see them weeks later dating an impious, cruel, less than articulate man with a six pack and nice hair.
Ah, hypocrisy. But does it even matter? Is it wrong to value attractiveness in your partner? Are you more holy if you only date people you find physically unattractive?
Read Song of Songs. No matter how much you might want to spiritualize it, there is a lot of appreciative talk about breasts, arms, hair, etc. It seems that at least a part of the puzzle of human sexuality as God designed it is beauty.
That means we don’t have to lie and pretend it doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t be the only thing, but it is an important part of what forms attraction.
There is an interesting theological basis for this. God created us with both body and soul. There have been, over the centuries, different movements that come and go that belittle the physical. An early group, the Gnostics, viewed the material world as an evil, almost demonic creation. The things of the mind and spirit were what really mattered. If the physical doesn’t matter, than attractiveness is irrelevant.
Ah, but the problem is that the material world isn’t actually evil.
“And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good.” (Genesis 1:31a ESV)
Why would God go to such extreme creative lengths to make giraffes, panthers, hippos, arctic foxes and redheads and brunettes, dark-skinned and light-skinned people if He hated the physical? If it didn’t matter, then a world of gelatinous orbs would be sufficient. He did create us as physical beings and we will remain in our bodies (albeit perfected, glorified bodies) for all eternity. Read 1 Corinthians 15. The physical was always a part of God’s good plan.
That means that it is a part of our relationships, too.
If you are one of those people who say “looks don’t matter” because you want to sound spiritual, please stop. They do. Now that does not mean that what you find attractive will agree with what Hollywood thinks, but you, ultimately, need to have an attraction to your partner. I have an acquaintance, for example, who is married to a very hairy man. She likes that about him despite most modern ideas of male attractiveness not leaning toward the Sasquatch-side on body hair. That’s fine. She is allowed to like different things.
A marriage is not just a spiritual, but a physical connection, too.
“So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matthew 19:6 ESV)
Sex is an integral part of the marital bond. It is so important that Paul warns not to neglect the physical expression of love within that union.
“For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:4-5)
Sex is a gift from God to build depth of relationship among spouses, it is not supposed to have the same level of joy as taking a multi-vitamin–as in, “I do it because I know I should.” It is important to find that person handsome or beautiful in your eyes; to appreciate their features and body; to rejoice in their entire person. Beauty is a gift from God, so stop treating it as if it were a weird Christmas sweater from Mrs. Weasley.
Having said that, it’s important to remember that it is not the most important thing.
God makes it clear that He designed us for romantic relationship with other believers. Not only is there no mandate for “missionary dating,” but big chunks of the Old Testament deal with grievous judgments falling upon the people of God for chasing after foreign wives and their gods. We are not supposed to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever. That takes priority over how cute she looks in her swimsuit.
Places like Proverbs 31 remind us that character and personality matter, too. No one really wants to be in a life-long relationship with a beautiful idiot. I, for one, don’t care how outwardly gorgeous a woman is, if she spouts racism, is as dull as a bag of hammers or is lazy, she is not attractive to me. Those traits cancel out hotness.
So stop feeling guilty that you want to actually be physically attracted to your spouse, God created you to desire that. Just don’t make that your top priority.
Got a question? Ipymin@gmail.com
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